Sexual desire in females is both more complex and more fragile than it is in males—less tied to biology, more linked to psychology. It is generally more variable; related to how they feel about themselves, what is going on in their lives, how they feel about sex overall, etc.
Experts, however, agree that, in general, sexual desire is lower among females than among males, so a drop in female desire for any reason may be more problematic in relationships due to this mismatched libido.
Some scientists believe that sexuality is becoming increasingly “medicalized” – that is, sexual problems are often viewed as medical problems with medical solutions. They are throwing medications at everything, which is not fixing the actual problem. Both mind and body play an important role in a woman’s level of desire. “Let’s take a look at orgasm. The more we learn about female orgasm, it seems that the anatomical structure of a woman’s genitals may play a role in her ease of orgasm. Personality factors, which are at least partly accounted for by genetics, are also linked to women’s ease of orgasm. Both of these support the “body hypothesis.” However, the way a woman feels about her own genitals plays a role, too, as does her ability to relax, to let go, and to feel sexually excited or aroused (the “mind hypothesis”). Perhaps for most women, the intersections of the body and mind will be key to easier orgasm.” Debby Herbenick Ph.D., M.P.H.
Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Studies show women need a transition time of about 10 to 30 minutes between activities, so turn off the TV (unless you’re watching some erotica) and take a sensual time-out before you even hit the sack. A loving foot massage, or a warm aromatherapy bath will do the trick. Researchers from Toho University in Japan say lemon, sandalwood, chamomile or bergamot are the best oils for arousal.
I compare having sex to going to the gym. Your mind and body rebels against it, but once you’ve done it, you feel amazing. The standard wisdom says a woman’s sexual cycle moves from desire to arousal to orgasm. But new research suggests that for women in long-term relationships, desire often comes after arousal. So instead of listening to the little voice that whispers “Sleep, need sleep”, be receptive to your lover’s touch, and then the desire will kick in. Your “low desire” may be just a delayed desire.
“Your brain will focus on any pleasure that is occurring and increase blood flow to the area,” Dr Morrissey says. “Even if it’s just a quickie and you don’t orgasm, sex bio-chemically releases endorphins, the chemicals that get us revved up and make us want to have more sex, more often.”
A healthy vagina/vulva needs good blood flow. The more you engage in activity that is telling your genitals to “wake up”, the easier the next time will be.
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